wondering

To the bravest woman I know:

This is a unique day in our paths, for I am certain that we are both wondering similar things today about the same special little girl that neither of us are able to be with.  Are you wondering what our sweet two year old girl looks like?  Are you wondering if she will get a party today or open any presents?

Are you sharing my questions about her care and if she knows that she is an orphan?  Do you have any suspicions about what her future holds?

Are you remembering the moment you realized that she could not be yours forever?  I wonder about you all the time.   I wonder if you knew her fate before you gave birth, or whether upon holding her in your arms your tears fell because her gender or medical needs forced you to give her up.

Are you picturing the day you wrapped her tiny body in a blanket, placed her in a paper box, tucked a note with her information beside her, and kissed her goodbye?  I'm wondering if you watched from afar as she was found on the doorstep you left her on.  Did you ever walk by the orphanage hoping to catch a glimpse of her?

I'm certain that you are wondering about me as well.  Was your written request for someone to adopt her fulfilled?  Where is she in the world?  Does she have siblings?  Medical care?  Parents that kiss and cuddle her?  A warm bed?  A limitless future?

Whatever the reasons were for leaving her that day, I wish you could know that I think you are brave and I am grateful that you gave her life.  Whatever the reasons were that prevented you from being her forever mommy, I wish you could know that you will never be forgotten.

Because, although we can't celebrate with her either today, we will be with her soon and plan to celebrate many, many birthdays with her.  We will tell her what we know and as she grows, give her the freedom and opportunities to learn all she can about her beginnings.

We will fulfill your request to adopt her and heal her and open the lid to her future so that she can make whatever she wants of it.  We pray that she grows up to make a difference in the lives of others and make the world better, giving glory to the one who knitted her together in your womb.

My heart is tied to yours today as we wish Joya a happy birthday from much too far away.

Forever grateful,
Laurie

can he really be three?

I've been hearing from more than one parent relative friend reader that I have been missed during my hiatus.  Unfortunately, my blog brings me no income, so it is not (yet?) a job for me.

Parenting my four boys, however, is my full time job and with our busy summer schedule of camps, swimming, playing, vacation, and some more playing, I simply released blogging from my list of priorities.  I really wanted my boys to enjoy their summer before they start public school this fall.

It felt good.  But I'm glad a few of you missed me.

I must rewind and commemorate our little Squirt's third birthday in late June.  Our favorite Aunt Louie came out for a nice long visit to celebrate and enjoy Park City in the summer.

Being the cheapskate that I am, I've never really put on big productions for any of my kids' birthday parties.  But this is likely my LAST chance to celebrate a three year old in our home, so.....

This year, via a raffle, I wound up with a gift certificate for use of our town's indoor field house.  A perfect place for lots of little ones to run around.  For a small fee, I added some bounce houses to the mix and proceeded to invite everyone who I thought I might be able to convince to come.

Squirt had been talking about an "Elmo Berday" for months, so Elmo was our theme.  Dorothy and Mr. Noodle even came along to decorate his cake.

We wound up with nearly 50 people.  We had a blast.

See for yourself.

The birthday boy.

Jenny, Deb, and Jessalyn with little Cordelia.

Christa, me, and Jenny

There were so many kids, it was impossible to get a picture of all of them.  Here's a handful:  Sawyer, Parker, Squirt, and Silas.

Sweet Maggie playing with Squirt.

The Hunter with his friend Ellie.  These two have been the best of friends since before they could walk.  Now they are starting FOURTH GRADE!!!!

A long line of cake eaters.

Gentry and Sawyer.  Little sister, big brother.

This was the point when Aunt Louie said, "Maybe I could just move out here and you could convince all your friends to keep having babies."

To which my friends all shouted, "Okay!  Yes!  Please do that!  How soon can you make that happen?"

Singing Happy Birthday to my little man.  This picture speaks volumes to me.  I tear up whenever I look at it because I can see how my heart felt.

Make a wish!

Yum!

These were the three women who helped me labor and birth this big boy.  Erin, Ashley, and Jenny.

Because we had such a large party, I had to carefully plan the subject of gift giving.  Squirt really did not need one more solitary toy, not to mention the stress and selfishness that comes out when a three year old opens gifts.

I also wanted to acknowledge in a tangible way our gratefulness for our healthy family, for living always in plenty, for never wondering if my boys were going to get enough to eat each day, and for so much more.

I made the request on the invitation to please not bring a gift for Squirt.  Instead, I gave the option to our guests to contribute to Compassion's Child Survival Program that my friend from college Julie and her husband have started.

We decided that we would match the funding that we received at the party and I am pleased to say that we will be donating a total of $170 toward these moms and babies in great need.

It was a wonderful way to top off our celebration.

my job security

Nine years ago today I accepted the hardest, yet most rewarding job I have ever done.

I frequently remind The Hunter that he is the boy who made me a mom.  In our rare quiet moments alone together, he likes to hear the story about how I wanted to be a mother my entire life and he was the baby who made my dreams come true.

Last night I took some time to remember the details of his birth and was grateful that my man was home to fill in the gaps in my memory.

My labor started 12 days earlier than expected while we were at a game night with some friends.  I remember telling everyone around me to stop making me laugh because I was having a contraction.

They were consistently about 15 minutes apart throughout the evening, and the novice I was, I didn't even think about the consequences of eating pizza and Doritos all evening and the unpleasant experience of them coming back up.

As soon as we got in the car around 11 p.m., the contractions immediately kicked in strong and hard and were consistently five minutes apart.  We went home, I laid down for a bit and we called my doula to tell her about my labor.

I remember, despite my comprehensive book knowledge about labor, I was shocked and scared when my water broke at around 3 a.m.  I started to cry and shake, but my brave and supportive husband assured me that the fluid was clear, so we had nothing to worry about.

Our doula encouraged us to start for the hospital and she followed us in her own car.  She told us later that she feared a "side of the road" birth because things were progressing so quickly.

Nevertheless, I made it to the hospital, where I was clearly in transition and my pizza and Dorito binge came back to bite me.  My friend Tracy came to video the birth for us, because my philosophy is that if I have to go through it, I want to be able to see what I went through.

That darn doctor was delayed by about 30-45 minutes and I had to hold off pushing for that entire time.  Have you ever tried NOT to push?  It's like trying not to blink or breathe.  Your body just does it!

After 20 minutes of pushing, at 6:02 a.m. our son was laying in my arms.  We didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl, so it was the best present ever opened.

The Hunter was such a good baby.  He slept when he was supposed to sleep, ate when he was supposed to eat, and was an all around, happy boy.

His first word was "truck," and by two years old, he could recite the technical name for every construction vehicle in the industry, i.e., "articulated dump truck," or "telehandler."

In line with being first born, he is fiercely independent.  He also gives his dad a run for his money because he is a first rate salesman when he wants someone everyone to follow his plans and ideas.

He was particularly easy to teach to read, and he loves social studies.  Star Wars is his favorite topic of conversation and play right now.

He is also quite forgiving.  I had a horrible mothering day yesterday and when I put him to bed, we were talking about his birthday and he reminded me that he made me a mom.  I replied that I wasn't a very good mom that day and I felt badly about it.

"Yes you were Mom.  You're always a good mom.  You just did some of this (insert grumpy face)."

How could I argue with that?

Happy Birthday buddy.  You make us proud and we love you dearly.

Thanks for making me a mom.

things I should have blogged about - birthdays

Time flies by in my world surrounded by men. Two of my men had birthdays this fall. Our Sauce turned SEVEN in September.

I can't believe that my surprise baby turned SEVEN!!!

This boy. Oh, this boy has a slice of my heart.

He has turned into such a caring and loving person. He has undying enthusiasm for sports and a magnetic smile that just draws people in.

He is so caring and loving with younger kids and babies. Our Sauce loves to snuggle and really loves to wrestle with his dad and brothers.

And that baby that was more difficult than my first, has turned into the easiest kid in my bunch. He has proven to me that kids will just go on changing season after season. I never would have guessed that he would wind up as my dream boy.

To celebrate his seventh birthday, we had a little bowling party. Sauce invited three of his favorite friends, plus his three brothers equals a party!

Marin and Sauce are pen pals and great friends. I would like to get some legal documents in order for an arranged marriage, but My Beloved says we should let Sauce choose. Hmmm. I'll think about it.

Then in October, our Rufus went and turned FIVE on us even though I canceled his birthday and told him he had to stay a four year-old forever.

Luckily, he has Aunt Louie wrapped around his pinkie finger and all he had to do is ask in his sweet little four year-old voice for her to come from Atlanta for his birthday.

Abracadabra. Like magic, Aunt Louie appears.

This boy has continued to prove tough as nails. He is working so hard to be one of the big boys, but still needs some tender, loving, little boy care.

I sometimes forget that he needs more sleep than his big brothers and allow him to wear himself out beyond repair.

He is one of the funniest kids in the bunch. This boy can recall movie quotes like nobody's business. He can also make up some knee-slappers of his own that have sent us all into fits of laughter.

I look forward to watching his personality blossom and feel truly blessed by having him as my boy.

Another chunk of my heart lives outside my body - gone!

The best part about turning five in our house is that Dad will finally take you hunting. You must be at least five years old to join the hunt.

And chew gum.

Watch out elk. There's another Sweeney out to get you.

Have I mentioned that the boys are taking archery lessons as well?

I might need another freezer in years to come.

Happy birthdays all around. Now stop growing up.

the big 3-5

Happy Birthday my beloved!

Are we really hitting 35?

Weren't we 22 years old and newlyweds just, like, yesterday?

Amidst all the chaos we have going on in our lives right now, I'm stopping to appreciate the man you are on your 35th birthday.

Although I find it hard to top last year's birthday post, it all still holds true.

You are an amazing man and you never cease to impress me.

Even now as I write this, you are out in the woods with Hunter trying to fill your deer tag and build a better relationship with our boy.

You are such a great example of a man to our boys. Although no human is perfect, I feel you are a perfect example to them for so many reasons.

You are such a hard worker at anything you do, whether employment, chore, relationship, or hobby.

I love that our boys see you take the responsibility of providing for our family seriously. They know that just as you work hard, you also play hard and they get so excited when you pull in the driveway.

I was so proud to watch you walk across the stage as you graduated with your MBA in May. After all the nights and weekends you invested in getting through school, it was a great example of sticking with something until you complete it - even when it is hard.

You hold yourself to such a high standard, even in relationships. You are always looking to help our marriage grow, to love me more, and to grow closer to our four boys.

I love that you are constantly keeping yourself in check to make sure your priorities are holding true. I have so much respect for your honesty and vulnerability in life. I rarely get to apologize first after a disagreement, and in the moment I hate that, but it is really a quality that I want to adopt in my own life.

Again, what a great example you are to our boys that you consistently apologize to them when you are wrong. You are showing them that no one does life perfectly, and it is o.k. to make mistakes. They trust that their dad cares for their hearts and will work to make your relationship right in the end.

Thank you for being The Man that leads my world of men.

Happy Birthday.

two

A lot changes in two years. This:

Turns into this:

And this:

Turns into this:

Our little Squirt is two today. He has been such a joyful and perfect addition to our family. This boy has made it hard for me to say, "That's it. I'm done."

He has smiles, hugs, and kisses that I can never get enough of.

He is enthusiastic and funny.

He has always been a good eater.

He never cries for me to come and get him out of his crib, but just plays happily until a brother I get around to getting him up.

He adores his brothers.

But he loves his mommy MOST of all (ask any one who babysits for me).

At two, Squirt is passionate about baseball. We regularly find mitts, bats and balls in his crib. He is more passionate about baseball than Sauce is (scary) and I can only imagine what he will be like as a big kid.

I fear for my grocery bill in a few years, because this boy can out-eat all of his brothers combined any one of his big brothers.

This boy has a very special place in my heart for a few of reasons. In addition to the fact that he was by far my best birth experience, when he was born, I knew it was quite possible likely that he would be my last baby and I have been cherishing each stage of babyhood.

Also, I learned a hard lesson last November when I briefly thought I might have to live without him. Major's accident has never been far from our minds during these eight months.

Through grieving with our friends for the loss of their son, we have a new and lasting appreciation for how each day, each moment is sacred.

Squirt, you make me smile and laugh every day. You warm my heart when I look at you and my life is richer because of you.

Happy Birthday!

do you want sauce with that?

Sauce was the only child that was a complete accident not exactly planned.

When Kenyon and I first began talking about having children, he said he wanted to have them close together, "like 18 months apart," to which I put my large foot down and said, "No way. Try three years apart."

I argued that kids 18 months apart would be having two babies at once. I had read all the parenting articles that said that two and a half to three years apart is ideal for siblings.

Well, when Hunter was about eight months old, Kenyon got promoted within his company and we prepared to move to Utah. Kenyon had to complete two weeks of training for his new position and fly out to Utah to look for a new home for us while I got our ends tied up in Florida.

We only saw each other for a few brief days within those weeks.

Let's just say that distance really does make the heart grow fonder - and impulsive.

Soon we found ourselves surrounded by moving boxes in our new home in the west. One night we sat in our living room and I made the remark that I was so tired and the only time I could remember being this tired was when I was pregnant with Hunter.

"You should take a test," replied my husband.

"NOOOO!!!!" was my shocked reply.

A few days later, I couldn't resist putting my curiosity to rest so I took a pregnancy test. It was positive and I was in pure shock.

I didn't tell Kenyon immediately, but left the test on the top of the tank of the toilet and asked Kenyon to get me my glasses that I thought I left there.

He came out with the test in his hand and a huge smile on his face.

I immediately started to cry.

I didn't feel ready. This wasn't my plan for our family. I still had a 10 month old nursing baby and I felt very protective of my love for him. I didn't want to share it with anyone else just yet.

"This is wonderful news!" encouraged my sweet husband.

I crumpled into his arms and had my one and only cry about being pregnant. From that point on, I was thrilled to be pregnant again.

Although we didn't find out gender at the ultrasound, Sauce's real name was always one of our top choices for boys names. Kenyon was particularly passionate about it and even lobbied for the choice by coming home from a professional baseball game with a jersey he purchased with the name on the back.

He wore it around without saying a word. I laughed and was absolutely sold.

Sauce decided to arrive three weeks before his projected due date (which I think was a little off to begin with). My water broke at 5:45 a.m. on September 21, 2002. I leaped out of bed and ran for the bathroom. When I had my wits about me and realized what was going on, I took a shower and got ready to leave for the hospital.

My labor was half the time of my first time around, but felt ten times harder. I am so grateful that I had my midwife Tina supporting me every moment at the hospital. It felt like labor was moving slowly, but I had no idea what slow really was until I started pushing.

I pushed my brains out for an hour and a half (triple the time of Hunter's delivery), and although one of my goals for this birth was to avoid another episiotomy, in the final moments, I begged Tina to give me one if necessary.

As that moment of relief finally arrived, we realized WHY it was necessary. The boy was "sunny side up," or posterior presentation and that combined with his big, fat, huge head equaled a tough birth experience.

I always tell Sauce that when Tina put him on my chest and I wrapped my arms around him, he grabbed my fingers and our eyes connected.

And my love just doubled.

Our friend Susan was at his birth video taping every painful and joy filled moment. In the quiet recovery room, she dubbed him "Camsauce" and never in a million years would I have guessed that it would stick....

but to this very day, he is our Sauce.

Little Sauce threw me for a loop in babyhood. He didn't follow my rules of sleeping and eating and being happy. Don't get me wrong, he was a happy baby, but he was so much more high maintenance that Brendan ever was. He wanted to be held a lot more and cried a lot more at nap and bedtimes.

He gave us a clear sign of his passions by his first word. "Ball"

He was our earliest walker and is our athlete and sports fanatic. Sauce has a smile that can light up a room and even strangers notice it.

Sauce is such a good friend, particularly to his brothers.

Love is a verb to Sauce. He acts on his love toward others. Whether it is a hug, a wrestle, a favor, a kind act or a compliment, he puts his love in action - and I love that about him.

I am so glad that God knows better than I do about plans for my life. I am so thankful that I was surprised with our Camsauce and my faith was increased by God's perfect plan for our family. In the end, 18 months apart was simply perfect!

Happy birthday Sauce. I hope you feel "verb-loved" because you have our hearts.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

in her shadow

Looking solely at my recent posts, you would think that this blog was about the relationship between two sisters.

But it just so happens that that today is my sister's 37th birthday...

And I didn't get her a gift, so this will have to do for today.

Coming fresh off a visit with her, I have a renewed perspective and appreciation for who my sister is and my relationship with her.

Amy and I have always been quite different. She was born with a full head of dark monkey hair, I entered the world with the tiniest bit of white peach fuzz on my noggin.

She was always tall and turned out to be 5'8" and I was always short and am a whopping 5'3". She has always excelled academically, where I have struggled to make the grades. Amy always had good taste in clothing and makeup, and I always needed a little help in that area (usually by stealing borrowing her clothes!).

We had different interests growing up and though I tried very hard to walk in her shadow and repeat her footsteps, we took two different paths and wound up growing apart for several years of our young adulthood.

Amy said something this weekend that struck me as so ironic.

"...my sister who does everything better than me."

I laughed out loud, because not only had I NEVER heard her say anything like this in my life, but this is exactly how I felt about her for so many years and still in many ways think that now.

It brought to light how, in hindsight, I wish I would have just been myself growing up, and not tried to be who she was, but just loved her despite our differences. I spent so much time feeling insecure because we were different in some ways and I overlooked and almost pushed away the blessing of having a sister.

As we approach middle age, it seems like we have reached a mutual comfort and love for each other.

And it feels great.

Amy would give her shirt off her back for someone she loves. She is loving and compassionate and gives grace to others. She is a great listening ear and a shoulder to lean on when I need her.

She has a great sense of humor. Sarcasm is something BIG that we have in common.

Even though she has her own children, she always seems to find special presents for my boys that fit each of their own personalities and interests.

She is a wonderful mother to her kids and although she works nights as a moms and babies nurse, she balances work and home so well.

Happy Birthday Amy! I love you more than words can express and cherish our sisterhood and friendship!

friends, flowers and fats

I needed a good day.

After a week and a half of wrestling my second grader into his position in life as a second grader, I needed a pick me up day.

My dear friends Christa and Jenny brought me lunch and cake (see above) AND presents. Then Ashley topped it off with my favorite junk foods delivered to my door. My hubby came home with flowers and I got to order chinese food for dinner (we don't eat it often because he doesn't really like it).

After dinner my sweetie gave me the present that I knew was coming (after all, sometimes I actually do DO the budget and he can't hide a purchase this big even if he doesn't give me the receipt!) - new FATS (or powder skis for you non-mountain people). They're the Volkl Aura in a 156 and they measure 130-94-113 (if you know what those measurements are, you're a real skier).

They look good on me don't they? Bring on the pow!

I needed a pick me up - because today it went a bit downhill. I was having some tooth pain and after a trip to the dentist, not only do I have a cracked molar, but he's sending me to see an endodontist (code for REALLY expensive) to confirm that I need a root canal.

Oh, then I just have to come back and get a crown put in.

I think I may have to sell my new fats to pay for my bad tooth.

I did get some good drugs to "bridge the gap" until I can get in to see the endodontist. So at least I will have a good buzz not be in pain for the next few days.

We did take a nice walk this afternoon over to the resort to get the boys their season passes and sign them up for their ski school programs for this year (cough, cough, cha-ching).

I'm thinking about selling my eggs to pay for ski school (just kidding honey, I'll keep them just for you!).

I took this picture of some of my men on my phone - not too bad. Check out the chair lift on the ridgeline up ahead.

Hopefully, the weekend will settle down though because after my husband left for his first second third fourth weekend of deer hunting, I was in my jammies by 7:30.

Then my entire bottom half got peed on while putting my youngest in his p.j.'s.

Oh, and another son thought his brother should brush his teeth with Baby Orajel tonight.

Without telling him.

Yeah, it's settling down just fine.

older and wiser

My mom has always said that her 30's were her favorite time of her life so far.

Hitting 34 today, I'd have to agree.

Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to retiring with my husband someday, with my feet in the warm sand outside our beach house (wherever that may be), while we plan our next trip to see all our grandkids.

But life is pretty good right now. I feel like I have enough life experience under my belt that I have a little credibility, knowledge and wisdom - but I'm not OLD yet.

You have seen many photos of my adult years, so I have dug through the dustbunnies in the gloomy basement archives to find a few photos of me that chronicle my sassy self throughout my younger years.

I think this was my third birthday party. By the way, I have carpet very similar to that downstairs in my basement right now.

Yeah, I know... I was a cutie!

In the personality department, not much has changed - sassy enough that my grandpa often wanted to spank me, but cute and loveable enough that he never did!

In the spirit of my post for Kenyon's birthday, I though I'd write a list of 34 things that life has taught me over the years.

1. It's not about me. Thinking that the world revolves around me is a death-sentence to my attitude and relationships.

2. They were all right when they told me to cherish and savor my college years. The college years ROCKED! (Thanks Dad and Mom).

3. People will always let you down and will never fill that void in our souls. Only God fills that void and is completely dependable.

(this photo was pretty predictable photography of me as a kid - sticking my tongue out)

4. If you want a friend, be a friend.

5. If a friendship is not reciprocated, let it go.

6. "First loves" are painful, but an excellent learning experience.

7. Our parents are not perfect. Our childhoods were not perfect. But we only get one set of parents, so savor the good and let the bad go. Give the grace to your parents that you want given to you when your kids are grown.

8. When you are a younger sibling, you will always be in your older sibling(s) shadow in some way, shape or form. (note the next picture - I was in the newspaper, but they put my big sister's name instead of mine!)

9. Friendships are awesome, but siblings are there for life. Find common ground and make the effort to protect sibling relationships.

10. PMS sucks.

11. Men are different from women (hence the penis). Don't expect them to act like or understand women (especially during PMS).

12. Grades don't matter as much as teachers and parents say they do.

13. The piece of paper at the end of the grades matters.

14. Soak in the "big" days of your life. Graduation, marriage, births can not be "re-done" (ok, for the first time).

15. Really, the only thing you can't do over in life is raising your kids.

16. Work ethic is important to be gained early in life.

17. It is good to experience "being in need."

18. It is always nice to be given a gift, but geez it feels good to earn something all by yourself.

19. You can't always get what you want (or you think you want), so enjoy what you have and will yourself to contentment.

20. Hard work deserves a new purse splurge once in a while.

21. It's great to have "cultural experiences" by visiting other countries and living in different parts of our country.

22. Americans, in general, have no idea how good we have it.

23. Words can cause deep wounds that last a long time, possibly forever. Choose them carefully.

24. Losing your temper is never a good thing.

25. You are a mirror and your children will reflect your behavior and/or attitude at any given moment. They may even adopt those attributes as their own if they see them enough.

26. Be real. When people come to the door, let them in without excuses about the state of your home. It only makes your guests uncomfortable and brings attention to all the things you don't want them to notice (I know this but don't always practice it!).

(high school senior photo, yeah, I'm cool, I'm mature, I'm off to college!)

27. Always kiss loved ones goodbye.

28. Never miss an opportunity to tell loved ones how much you love them.

29. Make goals for the future. Even as you meet your life goals, always have things to work toward and look forward to.

30. Look at raising kids like your living eulogy. Act out what you want people (your children) to remember you by.

(I put this last photo in here because my love keeps it on his office wall next to his computer - it was at our wedding shower the day before our wedding - it screams, "marriage with me will be an adventure, so hold on tight!" and Holy California Blonde L'Oreal!)

31. What "the world" says isn't always the right way to do things.

32. Choose your spouse carefully. And when you've chosen, put your spouse above yourself and treat him/her how you want to be treated know he/she wants to be treated. Extend your spouse the grace you would like extended in return. The rewards are great.

33. Take chances once in a while, even if you fail, at least you tried.

34. You get one shot on this earth - so give it all you've got!

There - deep thoughts from an older, wiser woman!

Now go check out a sweet birthday present from my friend Jenny - a blog post about ME!!!

Thanks in advance for the birthday wishes.