my loves

There is some sweetness to this season of life that I don't ever want to forget.  Daily I am exhausted by the effort it takes to do my job well.  I realize that my kids have no idea how much effort it takes each day to pour into them all that I do (and I feel I am always lacking), but I don't want the days to flee so quickly that I forget the treasures that pass through my moments each day.

Last day of 6th, 4th, 2nd, and Kindergarten 2013

1. My eldest son, at twelve years old and going into seventh grade, will often stop in front of me mid-morning (arms stretched wide) and say, "I don't think I got a hug today!"  No matter what pre-teen hormonal episode we might have been through already, how could I NOT hug that kid?  Priceless, and I will surely return the sentiment when he stops initiating on his own.

   

   A huggable kid for sure.

   

   My big kids have been helpful this summer.

2. My #2 son, who particularly has a gift with younger children, will jump right in when I'm overwhelmed with baby sister's moments of panic, fear, or emotional outburst.  He is quick to engage her and divert her attention from whatever she is consumed with at that crisis moment. Today I was with them at the library and I really didn't think I would make it out WITH books but WITHOUT a meltdown from her sudden, unexplainable panic.  He jumped in by grabbing a book that she chose and said, "Come over here and Sauce-Sauce will read you this book."  She willingly followed and my heart was warmed by his awareness and generosity to share our burden for her.  I'm sure he will be using this gift his entire life for great purposes.
   
   

   

   Sauce saving the day.
   

   
   

   

   Always sharing and caring for her.

3. My rockstar #3 son, at eight and one half years old is our resident peacemaker.  He is me in male-form.  His radar immediately picks up on pain or discord.  He is a prayer warrior for any loved one in need.  He also has his dad's knack for neatness.  He regularly leads the charge and picks up slack in the cleaning and organizing department in this messy family of seven.  Feel like snuggling?  Need a hug and a kiss and a pep talk? This is your guy.
   

   

   Creative, sweet and organized.

   
   

   

   The snuggler.

4. Oh, this six year old.  How can he be six????  I'm aching just from the memory of my LAST wonderful childbirth.  He entered into our world wonderfully and has marked each day since with pure delight.  His smiles just light up the room and his humor and "go with the flow" attitude is very much under-appreciated.  How impressively he has taken on being a big brother to an "instant" two year old - never getting to experience the days of overlooking a baby sitting in a bouncy seat.  "I love you more mom!" is one of his regular expressions and he won't believe me that it is really I who love him the very most.

   

   Birthday boy on his sixth birthday.

   

   A smile that lights up a room.

5. This girl..... at three and a half years old, has felt and wrestled with more than most of us do in our first decades.  I am constantly impressed with her fire inside - although it causes her "fight, flight, or freeze" response to so many situations that we consider ordinary, she continues to learn and adapt, little by little.  We adapt as well.  How much more I now see into her soul when she makes "the face," indicating that she is not sure how this moment will play out in her life story.  I have learned to draw her close, to teach and not reprimand, and to always lean on grace, because I did not witness her first 26 months of life, therefore, I must rebuild carefully.  She cracks us up with her expressions, "owadare" (underwear), "I tumin' mom! (I am coming mom!), "I wike-a da fwim fwim" (I like to swim), and of course "Lellow tar!  I on Mom's team!" (Yellow car! ...).  She is a tough cookie with a big heart that is grafting into our family more each day - and we all adore her through thick and thin.  She has changed our family for the better in a way that was impossible without her.

   

   She loves to be close to mama.

   

   She excels at any sport she tries.

6. My man... this man of mine.  I could say so much but will only say that we have come through a season that was painful, difficult, and messy.  He has purposefully risen above the mess, sorted out the details, and led us out to the other side with wisdom and gentleness.  He always strives to be a better spouse, parent, and Christ follower and inspires me to do the same.  I could not imagine this adventure without him.  He is my rock and I'm grateful for him.

   

   Grateful.

why messy and wonderful?

Our littlest wonderful mess maker.

My blog name needed to change for quite some time now.  Adoption has changed our lives in more ways than one and I’m really not in my “world surrounded by men” anymore.  I have been deliberately hiding from my blog for many reasons, but the change and overhaul was one of them.

Joya's adjustment into our family has been a moving target of what we might be dealing with next.  With each new challenge, we wonder if it is caused by the trauma of adoption or if it is merely a part of her two year-old life.  Should we handle it by doing "A" or "B" and which one won't traumatize her even more???  It's been messy.

But, when she counts off each family member by name every morning and reaches her arms out with a smile several times a day with the words, " I HOOOLLLD MAMA!" - wonderful doesn't even begin to describe it.  When we watch our fifth child take up skiing just like the other four have, with squeals of joy and a desire to go faster, our hearts overflow with how wonderful and worthwhile all of the mess is.

Tonight's dinner was breakfast burritos, served one at a time because our house was a complex machine of people coming and going tonight.  My meal prep and service was messy tonight.

But when they sat down to eat it, everyone loved dinner, and that is wonderful.

Our boys spent their coveted Christmas break passing the flu from one brother to the next, not coordinating well enough to all get through it at the same time.  We looked like a sick mess, but they all loved to snuggle close and watch lots of DVDs, day after day, and that was wonderful.

Down and out over Christmas break

The sickness was only compounded by the fact that our 40 year old furnace finally leaned too closely to, “Hey I might just leak enough carbon monoxide in the night to kill you all,” so we made the executive decision to shut it off and live without heat until we could get a new one installed.   We must install it in a new location in the house in order to actually conform to building codes.  This all happened while our outside temps in this mountain ski town dipped down to negative numbers.  Warm blankets and cold noses!!!

So now, we have walls ripped apart and floor plans being drawn for an unexpected and expensive project.  We are wearing fleeces and running space heaters.  There is a layer of messy construction dust almost everywhere I turn.

But soon it will be done.  We’ll be warm.  We have saved money for the unexpected, and it will be wonderful.

Our house is constantly noisy and it is never completely picked up.  By the time we finally update the outdated avocado green carpeting and 1970’s bathrooms in our house, the “new” kitchen we remodeled nearly six years ago will be outdated.

The papers on my desk scream, “PAY ME!  FILE ME!  READ ME!”

Parenting our brood is a nearly humorous trial and error experiment cycle as we weigh and measure each child’s needs, temperament, good and bad deeds, love language, and hormone level. Then we try to match all that adequately against our best prayerful guess of what is needed AND muster the energy to execute the plan.

My head hits the pillow at night yearning for a couple of extra hours to supernaturally sneak in to my REM cycle, yet the 6:30 a.m. alarm always feels too soon and too painful.  But during those hours, I’m wonderfully intertwined with My Beloved, who I love and respect more each day that I know him. 

We snooze when we can.

All that leads up to the fact that when I showed My Beloved my short list of truly inspiring and (I thought) fitting titles, it lead to a discussion about naming my blog something that reflects ME.  Not my kids, husband, passions, job, or interests.

So I asked him, who knows me best of all: “Who do you say I am then?”

He paused, looked down at the floor, then shrugged and sighed and said, “Messy and wonderful,” to which we both broke out into whole-hearted laughter.

To revisit in another post is the fact that ten years ago, that comment would have hurt my feelings and had me personally offended for being called messy.

But I am.  And our life is.

But it is so WONDERFUL.

trust

After nearly five months home from China, I finally put the time into creating Joya's "Gotcha" video.  For those of you outside of the adoption world, "gotcha day" is the term used for the day families are united with their child (got-ya).

Our adoption was and is an amazing and life changing journey.  It went beyond anything I could have imagined in the realm of both JOY and PAIN.

Although we are convinced that God had His hand on Joya's adoption and that she is perfectly matched for our family, we are equally convinced that this is NOT the way life is ideally supposed to be for her.

At one of our hotels during our stay in China, we noticed another family at breakfast wearing T-shirts that had the slogan, "Adopted By Design" on the back.  It implied to us that God designed adoption as a first choice for these children.

It actually angered my husband and it gave me great pause in my thoughts.

Adoption is a second choice for orphans.  It is a second choice to staying with each orphan's birth family forever.  It is clearly the result of a broken world.

No matter who an orphan's birth family is, there is LOSS and GRIEF in adoption.

But, over the last five months, I had one adoptive mom repeatedly remind me of the BEAUTY in the process.  And after making this video, I am far enough removed to see it.

Finally.

Because, as you can see, it has not been all sunshine and roses.  The transition has been HARD.  Our love was instant when we met our daughter, however, it took TIME to build our relationship and get to know each other.

And we are not done yet.

I was fearful to let her look back on the grief she has endured this year.  Up to this point, any reminder of China has only upset her. 

But maybe we both knew in our hearts that it was time to put together the memories.  I let her watch it and she stared intently at it and then looked at me and said, "SAD Lien Lien."  (She still mostly refers to herself by her endeared Chinese nickname.)

Then she smiled.

Relief washed over us when we realized that this did not re-traumatize her.  We have been working so hard to shower her with love and consistency - trying to establish coveted trust, that we feared the memories might hit the reset button on all of that work.

Personally, I think it had the opposite effect.  I think watching the road we have traveled together has encouraged her to hold more tightly to her forever family.  She has smiled more and been more affectionate in the last few days.

For me, it has completely renewed my COMPASSION for her and allowed me to feel pain for her that I had pushed to my back-burner as I have committed myself to the very tedious, daily work of mothering five kids.

I have a renewed perspective of adoption and the MIRACLE that occurs in the process.

And I am looking forward to watching the BEAUTY grow with time.

june 19th

We are home from our post sleep study check up with Joya's ENT, who has looked at her sleep study results and cleared her for surgery on June 19th.

Apparently, she has some sleep apnea, but it is mild and triggered from her brain and not due to her physical birth defect.  I am amazed that a sheet full of confusing line graphs and number tables can tell us that, but then again, I didn't go to medical school either.

Her first surgery will be on the side of her face and her ear.  I could explain each step, but I don't have the time.  The plan is for her to have two surgeries, first her face, then her mouth - both in 2012.  We all hope that she won't have to see the inside of an operating room until elementary school, when she will have the first of several jaw surgeries over the course of her growing years.

We are celebrating today.  Although the surgery is not without risks, I am very ready to get the ball rolling so that we can live life and not be waiting to schedule our life around medical procedures.

I have stopped giving perfect strangers detailed explanations about her birth defect when they ask about (and sometimes reach out and touch) her face.  I'm sorry to say that the number of ridiculous responses and follow up questions has reached the limit of what I can politely respond to. 

I went into this all prepared and motivated to help people learn about and not fear correctable birth defects, but now she is my daughter, I love her, and I'm tired of defending her to people who clearly have no social skills when they follow up with questions about her HIV status or statements about the evils of the Chinese government that have absolutely nothing to do with my little girl.

Stepping down from my soap box now.

Overall, she is making some big steps of progress, which makes me giggle.  I no longer fear when she hugs a perfect stranger, because she immediately comes running back to me.  She can pick her brothers out of a school crowd and treats them like her brothers - with love, affection, thrill, and admiration.  She also asks for her daddy when he is at work, but seems to completely understand that he will come back.

Her sleep is not perfect, but tolerable and we can manage on the status quo.  She eats a lot of food, but is not stuffing herself until she is sick as was her tendency when we first returned home from China.  She only tolerates her car seat for short rides around town - longer than 20 minutes and she turns into Princess Whiny-pants.

Luckily, this isn't my first visit to the royal castle.

a perfect fit.

Over the weekend we accepted an invitation to socialize with a local family that we "knew of" but had never met until we went to China.  They also adopted a little girl that is just five months younger than Joya.

We had a wonderful time catching up and filling each other in on the ups and downs of our transitions at home, as well as the medical updates of our daughters.

While driving home, my man mentioned how sweet and mild mannered our friends' daughter is compared to Joya.  What was noteworthy to him was the fact that their daughter also fit the profile of the medical conditions we would have considered.

"She could have been ours instead of Joya," he said.

We both sat in silence as we pondered what a divine match our little girl is to our family.  She is naturally animated and LOUD.  I heard Sauce describing her to one of his soccer buddies today - "She's tough!" he boasted.

She is so perfectly matched to our large, active, and mostly male family.  It was yet another moment in this process when we recognized and were humbled by the fact that God knew who our daughter would be from the very beginning.  He was purposeful in placing her with us and gave us the gift of seeing it.

She was so clearly supposed to be ours that it brings tears to our eyes thinking about it unfolding any other way.

We are in the thick of navigating through the slow maze of medical diagnosis and treatment for her.  Her preliminary tests show that she definitely struggles to breathe properly at night, so her doctor postponed the surgery we had on the books in June for her face, and set us on the path of overnight hospital sleep studies (FUN!) and treating this problem first before any other.

I'm thoroughly frustrated with the fact that no medical office responds with any sense of urgency at all.  But I'm a mom on a mission to get my daughter the best treatment in the most favorable timeframe for her needs.

Definition - "squeaky wheel"

Our consistent daily routine has definitely helped her personality to blossom and our mother-daughter relationship to grow leaps and bounds.  Yesterday and today I had the opportunity to communicate with her foster family in China to let them know how great she is doing.  It felt so good to tell them how grateful we are for the advantage they gave her by being her first family.  Now that I know her more fully, I can appreciate the void that she left in their lives and I hurt for them.

They sent back a message to me of gratitude and relief that she is thriving and I made a personal commitment to send word at least twice a year for the next couple of years to try to ease their pain.

Secretly, I hope that they foster another child because they are clearly gifted at it.

focus on the good, not the sucky

It is 9:09 p.m.  I have five kids upstairs in bed and asleep.  The kitchen is minimally cleaned up, but I still have to make three of the four lunches for school tomorrow because Sauce decided to make his own tonight (he also put away his clean laundry without being asked - who is that kid???).

It feels like 11:45 p.m.

I ran into a friend at the park today (on account of the rare warm spell) who joked with me that she is stalking my blog for an update.

There is such a mixed bag of what goes on each day, and it is against my nature not to share both.  So, I'll start with the sucky, and because we are all focusing on the good, I will end with that.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Sucky:

• I had to get out of bed ten times last night.  Maybe more.  She wakes up scared to death - anywhere between two and ten times each night.
• Sleep apnea might be contributing to her night troubles and we're investigating that medically.
• I had to work hard to muster a smile for anyone this morning and there was more than one tear.
• Squirt's adjustment has manifested in fear of bad guys and often being sad when I drop him off at school.
• I am ready to fire the housekeeper.  Wait, I don't have one.  I cannot keep my house clean for the life of me - even to my sadly low standards.
• My new state of family-cocoon works to prevent me from seeing friends socially.  I saw a couple of preschool parents by chance at the park this morning as I was trying to exhaust my daughter enough to submit to a long(er) nap (failed by the way).  I realized that this has to be the new normal for now.
• I don't answer a lot of phone calls or initiate them either.
• For now, I can't handle more than finding my balance in my new normal.

Good:

• Our boys ADORE their sister.  They have been the loft to my balloon when I'm discouraged.  Even when she is rotten to them, they are nothing but devoted to her.
• She goes to bed without protest and has adapted to a bedtime routine beautifully.
• We are still getting meals from loving friends (we've been home since 3/29).  I have already announced to all dependent parties that I have forgotten how to cook.
• Every day I take tags off of new items of clothing for Joya.  And I haven't purchased a thing on my own dime.
• She lets me put "pretties" in her hair and we admire my work together.
• Through our pre-bedtime rocking chair time, she has learned where her nose, ears, eyes, hair, mouth, and fingers are.  We work on more each night.
• She understands everything we say in English.  I'm sure she's going to start spouting out sentences when we least expect it.
• Normally not ticklish or physically playful, today I got some full blown belly laughs when I gobbled on her armpits during a diaper change.  And she wanted more.  Smile.
• Despite my Beloved's busy travel schedule, I have been able to keep up with the Taxi-Mom demands of the boys' schedules.
• I take great joy in my boys' enjoying their interests.  We have spring soccer going on and The Hunter and my man both read The H^nger Game$ series together (I read them last year).  I know there is controversy surrounding exposing kids to this series, but for this boy it was a great opportunity to connect and talk about big life topics and I'm glad we encouraged him.
• I have great adoptive moms in my life who only need a one-sentence text from me before they call to encourage me through the tough stuff.  No offense, but now I know you have to go through it to understand.
• Last weekend I was able to go to Denver to the "Empowered to Connect" conference based on the book "The Connected Child" and the work of Dr. Karyn Purvis, PhD. and Director of the TCU Institute of Child Development.  I learned more about investing in my home-grown kids than I ever imagined and came home encouraged and ready to start fresh.  Plus I slept without interruption for TWO nights while I was away.
• My neighbor brought me a beautiful potted orchid yesterday and wasn't offended in the least when I had to cut our visit short to put my tired girl down for her too-short nap.
• One of my very best friends here knows I'm sleep deprived and struggling to ride the waves of this new journey.  Each morning she texts me an encouragement from scripture and asks how she can pray for me and if she can help me by doing a grocery run or other tangible task.  Did I mention that she has six kids of her own???  I am one lucky lady.
• I could go on with the good, but I will end with the fact that this "trial" which is really such joy mixed with adjustment, has enriched my marriage to a wonderful new level.  My Beloved has been transformed by the emotion/struggle/joy/fullness of our experience.  He is more tender and passionate about all of us.  He is quick to find humor as well as flexible to our unpredictable needs despite the demands on him to provide financially for this family of seven.  Next month we will celebrate 15 years of marriage.  He is the rock that keeps us all centered and I simply adore him.

the bond that heals

If you didn't hear me in my last post, let me just say again how appreciative we are for all of the support we are receiving.  So many people are pursuing us through phone calls and emails and face to face visits.

Of course, not one person can resist our daughter's cuteness.

She is magical for sure.

As she is exposed to more and more of our wonderful friends and social circles, I have found myself needing to put this post out there.

Joya has been put through a significant trauma.  She wasn't physically abused, but her emotional life was turned upside down less than three weeks ago when we took her from her foster family and her birth country and culture.

Although she greets most everyone with a "Ha-low" (hello) and has smiles and funny faces and songs that draw us all in, she is still learning who her forever family is.  If you have been reading our China posts, you know that initially she was clinging to Kenyon.  She didn't want anything to do with me for the first week.

Slowly, she tolerated me and allowed me to be the food maker, poop checker, and snot wiper.  But she still almost exclusively wanted her dad.

Now that we are home, she is not panicked when Kenyon is out of sight.  In fact, he is out of town on business for two days and she and I have made some strides.  She comes to me for her needs and accepts affection and comfort from me - she has even initiated affection toward me, which is HUGE to me.

When entering a room, 'normal' toddlers will usually hang back a bit and look to their parents for a 'read' on the situation.  They are cautious and will take cues from their parents on how they are to act in that environment, with those people.

Because she has only been with us 2.5 weeks, Joya still looks to everyone as potential caregivers.

Our main issue at this point in time is trying to help Joya to realize that we are her parents.  While we are so excited for everyone to meet her, I hope you will understand when we redirect her back to ourselves if she asks you to pick her up.  Please feel free to smile at and engage her, blow kisses and talk to her, but please resist the urge to scoop her up and squeeze her.

I know, it is tough to resist.

If she wants food, feel free to bring it to our attention, but it is really important that we be the ones to feed her or "deliver" her food to her.  It's not that we don't want to share her or that we don't want you to touch her.  It's that she needs to learn who her parents are and attach to us in a healthy way.

This takes time and we want to do it right.  We are hoping that you can all understand that we don't desire to be overprotective, but we want to prevent any long term emotional problems by doing this well.  When we see this secure attachment forming, we'll be encouraging her to have relationships with other adults as we do with our sons.

So, please come see us and enjoy our entertaining children!  We know you'll do nothing but support us and thank you in advance for honoring our request.

re-entry

Hello friends.

I can tell you that the number of responses we received while we were in China, combined with the requests for updates within the five days we have been home have been heartwarming and overwhelming.  Thank you for your love and support during this life changing experience.  We woke up every morning in China and would immediately boot up our iPad to see what you all had to say to us while we were sleeping via blog, faceb**k, or email.

You gave us a support network and a connection to "home," and we thank you sincerely.  We think your support is priceless.

Our experience is going to take several (many?) posts to do justice, so while I have your ear (eyes?), I will tell you that I intend to do so.  Be patient with me because between my body's (as well as my daughter's) lagging time zone acknowledgement, as well as managing FIVE kids, will require an act of God to get regular blog posts out to you.

Start praying people.  Um, I meant now... yeah, take a break and pray. ;-)

So, in characteristic form, this sleep-deprived post will end in pertinent bullet points devoted to the "need-to-know" (or maybe the slightly entertaining):   (YES, I LIKE USING PARENTHESES TONIGHT!!!!!)

• We returned to find out that our generous friends from various circles have signed up to bring us dinners every other night until the end of April (and one supply of rockin' frozen banana pancakes to microwave on my many my crazy mornings).  My dear friend Deb, who also hosted my awesome toddler shower in January, coordinated it all and we are just in awe.  Side note:  I am the girl who will NEVER turn down an offer for a dinner I don't have to make myself!!!  All we can say is THANK YOU!!!!  Such a simple thing helps so tremendously (especially for this non-cook)!!!
• My dear friend Amy, who first introduced me to orphans with my trip to a Russian orphanage in 2006, has offered (okay, agreed to) creating Joya's "Gotcha Video" because she is UBER talented on the video-making-to-drive-you-to-tears-and-cherish-forever stuff.  Now, I just have to mail her the jump drive with the 5 GB of photos and video.  Put aside your box of tissues now.  No, I'm serious.  Do it!
• My mom and favorite aunt were here for eight days before we came home (taking over for my only and cherished sister/BFF/soulmate to take care of our boys) and stayed until today.  We could not have made it through jet lag and Joya's crying nights without their help during the days.   How do you ever say an adequate thank you for such great sacrifices?  We are without words.  Mom - my husband is thinking of moving you in with us just for more of your sandwiches.
• Joya is doing well considering we have only had her with us for 15 days, counting the 4.5 days here at home.  My Beloved made an accurate observation that her "renewed" grief since we've been home is likely because she is so stinkin' smart (save for college or not?) and has pieced together the fact that she is now with the people she has seen in her photo book for months now, and realizes that she is never returning to live with her foster family.  She cries out in the night for her foster mom and expresses genuine anxiety and panic when she realizes that it is close to bed time (which we did NOT see at any of our stops in China).  Her grief is inconsolable and I am jealous for the newborn experience when I could comfort and nurse a child back to sleep.  Not so now.  I ride the wave and die to my own desires - purely by asking and receiving from God's grace (my BFF's will tell you that I am NOT a woman who functions well on sleep deprivation).  She has been through a pure trauma and I will not traumatize her even more.
• She is having GREAT days though.  Awake time is happy time filled with puzzles, playing, eating, and learning.  Very fun and we are really enjoying it - every one of us.
• The boys are LOVING it.  Kenyon has mentioned that if we didn't have the support of our little men for our new pink addition, he just might have thoughts of regretting the decision.  But he doesn't because he is just smitten with her in every way, shape, and form, and so are our men.
• Her attachment to her Daddy has lessened from panic to affection.  We both realize that it was really an attachment of safety and security, not of emotional connection.  That is okay with us for sure, but we are both looking forward to connecting with her in a GENUINE and growing love for each other.  It is growing and changing every day.
• I am so grateful for my in-laws and their willingness to honor my request to come from Pennsylvania for my boys' spring break.  These grandparents definitely wanted to meet our new addition, but they are going to be such a help to us while the boys are on break and Joya still needs quite a bit of attention in order to bond with her mommy and daddy.  My husband's mom has a special gift for cooking projects, treasure hunts, and group outings.  I asked, and they honored.  Again, thank you just doesn't cut it.
• I still have so much to say about our trip.  I want to tell you about the reality of adoption, the amazing organization "Love Without Boundaries", and the complete dissolving of our "American" impression of the nation and people of China.  So, at the very least, count on that from me.
• And pictures..... lots of pictures.  (C'mon, you know I love the shock value!!!)

bullets

• We inherited an outdoor cat to solve our mouse problems from some friends who moved away.  Our outdoor cat has suddenly become an indoor-sleep-on-Rufus's-bed-22-hours-of-the-day-until-I-put-her-out cat.  My husband likes We like her though. 
• I've decided that my favorite daytime listening Pandora station is "70's easy listening" - there is rarely a song I don't love.  I know, I should work in a doctor's office.
• I'm seeing my sweet Squirt blossom at four and a half years old.  I agonized over the thought of him going to Kindergarten this fall, but now I think he's really ready.
• Two weeks ago a dear friend and I set up a "let's meet for dinner come hell or high water" night.  That night was last night.  It was blissful.  We ate lots of food including fried green tomatoes.  We talked and talked and laughed until the restaurant closed and then we walked to my car, I drove her to her car, and we talked for another 30+ minutes.  I left with a smile on my face.  It was a treat.
• Fifth grade homework sucks.  I hate that projects become MY work and I wind up caring more about his responsibilities than he does.  Then again, I thought that midnight feedings sucked until I was on my third and fourth child and then they were easy.  So maybe fifth grade will be like that.  Or maybe not.
• I hate the school science fair.  Please refer to my previous bullet.
• My kids are so hungry when they come home from school.  Today I have dinner prepared for them at 3:30 so we can eat for real and then a snack later.  I'll report back with how that works.
• One of my older children still wets the bed at night and I've gotten my hands on a "potty pager" to try to train the stubborn child out of the habit.  Last night was the dry run, except it wasn't dry, it was wet, more than once, and he hates wearing it.  I hate pee, so there.
• The first part of January was spent painting Mrs. Nesbit's room, and since we've lived in this house six and a half years and I've been looking at dingy not-so-white walls and ugly light fixtures in my bedroom, I just decided to push on through and paint that room too (which happens to be a rather large bedroom).  Ceiling, trim, walls, outlets, light switches, and light fixtures are all new now.  I was an aching, messy, paint covered, non-showering woman on a mission for an entire week, but it is done and I love it!  Now we are drooling over the thought of new carpet, and I hate to drool.
• Because I know you're wondering, our adoption paperwork is in the final stages and we look on track to leave for China on March 14th.  My waves of anxiety have started regarding our/her transition and I'm clinging to the proven fact that God works good through the hard stuff in life.  Not that I wish it to be hard, but I want more of God for sure, so pretty much I can't lose, right?
• The ski season has been a total BUST so far and I am actually praying for several big, powdery snow storms to crush our little town so that I can frolic on the slopes sufficiently before I bring a precious two year-old home from China.  Have you ever known me to pray for snow?  It's bad, people.

wondering

To the bravest woman I know:

This is a unique day in our paths, for I am certain that we are both wondering similar things today about the same special little girl that neither of us are able to be with.  Are you wondering what our sweet two year old girl looks like?  Are you wondering if she will get a party today or open any presents?

Are you sharing my questions about her care and if she knows that she is an orphan?  Do you have any suspicions about what her future holds?

Are you remembering the moment you realized that she could not be yours forever?  I wonder about you all the time.   I wonder if you knew her fate before you gave birth, or whether upon holding her in your arms your tears fell because her gender or medical needs forced you to give her up.

Are you picturing the day you wrapped her tiny body in a blanket, placed her in a paper box, tucked a note with her information beside her, and kissed her goodbye?  I'm wondering if you watched from afar as she was found on the doorstep you left her on.  Did you ever walk by the orphanage hoping to catch a glimpse of her?

I'm certain that you are wondering about me as well.  Was your written request for someone to adopt her fulfilled?  Where is she in the world?  Does she have siblings?  Medical care?  Parents that kiss and cuddle her?  A warm bed?  A limitless future?

Whatever the reasons were for leaving her that day, I wish you could know that I think you are brave and I am grateful that you gave her life.  Whatever the reasons were that prevented you from being her forever mommy, I wish you could know that you will never be forgotten.

Because, although we can't celebrate with her either today, we will be with her soon and plan to celebrate many, many birthdays with her.  We will tell her what we know and as she grows, give her the freedom and opportunities to learn all she can about her beginnings.

We will fulfill your request to adopt her and heal her and open the lid to her future so that she can make whatever she wants of it.  We pray that she grows up to make a difference in the lives of others and make the world better, giving glory to the one who knitted her together in your womb.

My heart is tied to yours today as we wish Joya a happy birthday from much too far away.

Forever grateful,
Laurie

paid in full

GOD

IS

STILL

IN

THE

BUSINESS

OF

LIFE

CHANGE

Baptism Sunday at Willow Creek Community Church.  My sister Amy, my mom, and my niece all chose to be baptized today.

It was a great day.

a year

Today marks a year since the life changing accident that took our friends' baby from this earth.

There hasn't been a day in the past year that I haven't thought about it.

To remember Major in a tangible way, I have watched his tribute video a handful of times. I have thought a lot about the song that was chosen.

It is titled, "After the Last Tear Falls."

I have thought about the fact that there is always a last tear that falls. There will someday be a last tear that Major's family cries for him.

There is sure to come a time when memories of him trigger sweet memories, but enough tears have fallen.

"After the last year that's just too hard, there is love." This year has been just that for our friends and it has been painful to watch.

I have wrestled with the obvious "why" question. Why such a tragic accident? Why to such a great family? Why not someone else?

Why not me?

I don't have complete answers. But I do know this: Major's accident does not change who God is.

And the Bible tells us that He is both loving and sovereign.

These are two characteristics that I struggle to understand how they can co-exist in a situation like this. How could our loving God who has all power and all sovereignty allow this to happen?

Then I remember Jesus. The perfect example of a loving God who loved us so much that He sent His very own son to die an undeserved and brutal death so that we may have eternal life with a holy God.

"The tears that have fallen were caught in the palms of the giver of love and the lover of all."

So, I also remember as Darcy herself told me one day. We have the perspective like ants in an ant hill, and do not see from the viewpoint of the one who stands above looking at a much broader view.

Only, the difference is we are not ants. The One who stands above us created us with a plan for our eternity.

And He loves us with "oceans and oceans of love."

He makes all things new

This fall will mark 20 years since the day I asked God into my life and since then, Easter seasons have passed with different meanings to my heart.

When I was first getting to know God, I celebrated Easter with a thankfulness to Him for revealing to me that I didn't have to depend on human beings in my life to fill that hole in my heart.

There were other seasons that I mourned with gratefulness the sacrifice He made for me.  What a gift to be so easily received... the gift of grace.  I don't need to DO anything or NOT DO anything once I have accepted the gift; I don't need a pastor or a church leader to intervene for me.

I just need Jesus.  He loves me as I am, and He paid the ransom.

And there have been other years when I've been blown away by the abounding LOVE He has for me.

A lot has happened since we last celebrated Easter to set the tone for this year's Easter season.  Three events stand out.

First there was Jeremiah.

Then there was Olivia Kate.

Then there was Major.

These three have left me battered and bruised and I don't know whether I will ever completely heal.  Here on earth, it is very sad.  I see these three families with a missing piece to their puzzle.  And I've asked, "why?" a lot.

Within the last couple of weeks, the word "eternal" has slowly been impressed upon my heart.

It is something I have known throughout these 20 years, but I have not had to live through events that really allowed this truth to sink in.  Going to heaven when we die to spend eternity with our holy God... yes that is the promise that Christ's unjust punishment and resurrection brings me.

But it has suddenly dawned on me....

We are created for eternity.

We are not created for this world. 

These babies who have left us too soon by our human standards have been translated from death to life because of Christ.   Jesus has destroyed death and has brought us forgiveness of sins and life everlasting.

Hebrews 2:14
"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death - that is, the devil."

If death is the last enemy, then the last enemy has been destroyed!  I need to change in order to accommodate this line of thinking, and this change can only come through His grace in His great love for me.  Thus, a very rich meaning is given to my life as I approach God continuously, and ever more intimately.

And I will remember - in the end what I should live for is not for just another day here, but for that very day there.

Life eternal.

Isaiah 53:5-8
     "But he was wounded and crushed for our sins.  He was beaten that we might have peace.  He was whipped and we were healed!  All of us have strayed away like sheep.  We have left God's paths to follow our own.  Yet the Lord laid on him the guilt and sins of us all.
     He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word.  He was led as a lamb to the slaughter.  And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth.  From prison and trial they led him away to his death.  But who among the people realized that he was dying for their sins - that he was suffering their punishment?"

baby jonah

This was brought to my attention this week.  Get a box of tissues and click on the link.

Our God is a God of miracles and I'm praying for one.

a little healing

I have had a really hard time posting anything else in this time of hurt and mourning. It felt so inappropriate.

I wouldn't say that we are in Dave and Darcy's closest circle of friends, yet this has hit our family like nothing else we have experienced to date. We know them through church, we have kids practically the same ages and Darcy and I were in a couple of Bible studies together.

We were pregnant with our most recent babies together and we both homeschool. We even drive the same make, model and color of minivan.

I have always felt a heart connection with Darcy. She and Dave are amazing parents who LOVE the Lord and are raising children who are just a joy to be around. We love their family.

All week long, I have been wiping my tears and answering tough questions from my kids. I have found myself crabbier than usual (imagine that!) and finally took a step back to see why.

I feel like God let me down.

I didn't understand the "how" of praising God and embracing faith during such a tough time. There was a disconnect between what my head knows is truth, and what my heart feels.

I realized that I understood other tragic events in life more than I understood this one. I created a scale in my head with things like grandparents dying, miscarriages and even cancer on the list.

But this one rated a big ZERO for me. I had ZERO understanding as to why a 15 month old boy who had beat the odds already and was from an amazing family could die so suddenly and unexplainably.

I am also struggling with why it was their baby and not ours.

Why did I get a "pass" on this one? I am no more deserving than Darcy.

As a result, the profound lack of control that we all have, but rarely acknowledge, smacked me right in the face.

As the weekend was getting closer, I started to feel anxiety and actually sweat when I thought about putting Squirt in the nursery. It's not that I don't trust our nursery, I just knew I would have to confront that lack of control.

I was a basket-case on Saturday. My dear friend Carrie happened to call me while I was in a moment of tears and rage. I unloaded on her about how pissed off I was and how I just could not connect the act of praising God in the midst of such a stunning loss.

Then Sunday morning came. Kenyon and I taught the first grade class during our first service (of two) and Dave and Darcy's oldest daughter Marin was sorely missed.

Our class had the opportunity to make cards for Marin and her family and it was very interesting to see this through the eyes of children. One of my sweet little girls in class lost both of her biological parents in a car accident recently enough that she remembers it. Her card stressed how much God loves us and heals our hurts.

She gets it. Unfortunately, she gets it because she has lived it.

It was a great comfort to walk down the halls, and be spontaneously hugged by others who experienced this with me. There were tears flowing that needed no explanation. Our hearts were connected.

Our staff at church was an impressive example of compassion and quality leadership. They all had matching t-shirts on in order to be easily identified when needed and the nursery room where Major's tragedy happened was closed to babies, but open for prayer and grief counseling.

Then we got to go to church. And our pastor, Dave Nelson, gave the most heartfelt and REAL message about this tragedy.

He brought to light that although I've been looking for God all week, He was there all along. I was also encouraged to give all my rage and questions and doubts to God.

Because He can handle them.

If you've ever wondered WHY in the midst of hurt - take make the time to listen.